Bunch of fives: Worst mobile phones

Today's mobile phones are so advanced it's easy to forget how primitive they once were. Modern handsets play music and video, take photos, have touch-sensitive screens and full internet connectivity.

But years ago, phone designers tried to replicate the look and feel of concrete bricks, while the web, if it was included, ran at a snail's pace. Worse, you might be forced to use a system called Wap, which was only good at increasing your phone bill.

We have put our heads and collective experience together to describe five of the worst experiences we've encountered when using mobile phones.

Samsung E530
Gadget manufacturers, like the teenage geeks they are at heart, are obsessed and terrified by girls in equal measure. So, they wonder: how to make a phone that will delight and enthrall the delightful creatures? And Samsung’s ham-fisted answer was the E530, a candy floss-coloured clamshell that displayed screen text in large pink letters.

But the E530’s crowning glory was its array of lady-friendly apps that included a calorie counter, a fragrance selector and the delightful pink schedule, which reminded its owner when they were due to ovulate. We doubt the team that designed this phone is currently hot on the dating scene.

Orange SPV C500
Bluetooth is useful to have on phones. When a poor reviewer has to spend four hours setting it up though, its benefits are outweighed by the misery of getting it to work. Those four hours could have been better spent doing something more exciting, such as knitting, watching the slow erosion of Mount Everest or reinstalling Windows.

Needless to say, the phone quickly made contact with a concrete wall and ended up in fifty pieces. The reviewer notes that this procedure did not resolve his Bluetooth issues.

Sony Ericsson P900
Perhaps it's unfair to include the P900 here, as it was one of the first smartphones ever released. But using it was nothing short of frustrating, especially if you removed the physical buttons and instead attempted to control it entirely with a stylus.

It supported handwriting recognition, which sounded like a good idea to engineers, but in use proved to be a pain in the proverbial. You had to learn to draw using a sequence of squiggles and lines to enter text and inevitably it would not recognise what you were trying to write, and instead fill the screen with gibberish.

Needless to say it became easier to simply allow friendships to wither and die rather than go through the torture of trying to reply to texts.

Phillips Savvy
The hideous Phillips Savvy was released in 1999, the same year The Matrix was released. Neo, the film's hero, played by Keanu Reeves, must save mankind by travelling between a virtual world and the real one. One of his tools is a special mobile phone. If Neo had carried a Phillips Savvy with him though, he would have been laughed at.

The Savvy is the ultimate example of a 90's 'brick' mobile phone, with its huge aerial, monochrome screen and tacky case made of chunky plastic. If that wasn't enough, Phillips also sold it in all sorts of revolting colours, including bright sunsick yellow.

The Savvy’s only saving grace is that if you are ever mugged while carrying one, the thieves may steal your wallet, but are certain to leave the phone.

Apple iPhone
The iPhone is supposedly the definitive smartphone. But how did it earn this title after numerous reports of the phone being unable to send or receive calls, even with full network coverage? Some iPhone owners are forced to carry a cheap handset with them just to make calls.

However, the worst thing about owning an iPhone is that it turns you into a member of a smug, pretentious herd. You are statistically likely to be a fan of inoffensive bands such as Coldplay, drive a Honda, wear sandals and socks together, and have an opinion about Lady Gaga’s choice of hat. You have definitely bored at least one person to death by detailing the functions of pointless apps to them, and resolve discussions by using your phone to look up useless facts. In short, nobody likes you.